The loud and the loudest.

I've come to realise how much people like the sound of their own voice. Where I currently have placed myself is at an interesting junction it has people flowing in all directions. Everyone trying to outdo the other. Everyone trying to get lost in words and some in actions. But everyone is trying to make a point no one not a single soul including the odd waiter whose listens. They're all loud. The restaurant itself as if an entity on its own plays loud music on top of the already loud conversations making the conversations ever louder because people want to be heard.
I miss simpler times when conversations meant just conversations there was so much to say and there was this ability to disconnect from the world around you and be okay with it. Yet the world survived.

Windows.Sunshine. Hope and Despair.

I sit here and stare outside a window with bars. Everything is sectioned of into squares and an uneven paint job is clearly evident as the sun tries to glisten off the window. A few weeks or months ago and I can barely remember how long it has actually been a colleague much higher up in the ranks of our corporate structure sat beside be stared outside of the tinted windows and soaked up with gush of air that the AC blew on his face and said you have a brilliant workspace. This is what makes a winning office he said, there are no distractions. In another time and place I would have agreed, as he blurted his insightful comments out to me I was wondering what about the space made it brilliant? What makes any space brilliant? I never got an answer. I searched and found an answer in my past, the time I spent working for a man who only knew passion and commitment, space for him only meant a congregation of like minded people, a space where people, ideas and laughter flowed freely without resentment or inhibition. Life has changed ever since I made certain choices, ever since taking risks became an alien concept to me. I saw Jim Carrey deliver his speech at a university and he referred to his dad and a safe job and how he was let go from that safe job instead of choosing a life where he would have been happy and the struggle that was associated with it. He finished strong eloquently saying "you can't contain the container man, you can't contain the container" trademarked with Jim Carrey faces.

I wish for my life to go back to a simpler time, when friendships formed in moshpits were more sacred than friendships formed in general. Where you spoke of guitars, tattoos, taboos and sex with as much ease as speaking about anything else. 

Today, I stare outside of a window in a state that is alien to me, where I can never belong, doing a job I don't like and living a life I know is not meant for me. 

I struggle accepting this, I have a friend who in her current state is not a friend, I wish I could let her know that I need her more than she needs me. How my life is slowly dissipating into an abyss where the light won't even reach me. 

I want her to know that the warmth she exudes should not fade, for I need it in the times to come. Where my desperation for normalcy and happiness will reach heights that will be impossible to come back from. 

Everyone needs a time out and by my own advice I gave her I think she finally stepped out of the wheel to look at the wheel and in all fairness she must. 

'She' is the definition of normalcy and happiness :)

When Dreams Crash!

My heart beats faster and slower all at once. Distracted I glance away from my table to all the people who work or at least pretend to do so. 

My service here is done and If I were to believe myself I am completely exhausted. The very notion of people clambering without a moral or ethic in place to get the slightest comfort in exchange for emotional misery to others makes me breathless both with anger and with frustration. 

Have I served my purpose? Have I dispensed with all that I have to offer? 

The idea here is quite simple really. This is corporate darwinism at its finest, but yet somehow corrupted to the degree it causes more damage than good. 

The heart is hurt. It struggles to keep pace. 

An escape has become imminent.